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Sunday, November 30, 2008

Going home again

Warning...This is is long, but it has some background in it necessary to explain the theme.

Today was the culmination of my two week trip "home". Staying with my parents really hasn't been home, since they have now sold their property, and moved to a retirement community. That could lead to a long drawn out muttering as to what is "home". But it is after midnight, I need to get to bed, and I wanted to jot down a few thoughts while they were still fresh in my "mind" about today's journey to Lancaster County.

Lancaster County was my home base for 18 years. I moved there after a sort of early "midlife" crisis after a job failure, and what do we do when a job goes to crap? Go back to school! So I moved to Lancaster, and enrolled in Millersville University, with out much of a good idea of how I was going to earn a living, or make ends meet. I had tremendous faith in God that I was supposed to take a flying leap of faith and just go. And so I did. And when I did, I reconnected with an elderly couple that I knew from my time in New England, and met their son, Paul. Sparks flew, we were engaged shortly afterwards, and married the following year. School? Oh, I ran out of money for that after the first term. But I was getting married, other plans unfolded, we moved to a quaint historic community named Marietta, and 6 months later, bought our first house so we could have a dog.

Marietta was our home, on Front Street, until the winter flood of 1996, then The Silk Mill from 1996 t0 2003. I worked several locations around Lancaster county, and Paul worked across the river in Wrightsville. Then in 2001, our world began to fall apart. I had not been feeling well for a long time. I had a long history with headaches and high intracranial Pressure, known as Pseudo Tumor Cerebri. And for the past year, I was not feeling well, was struggling with weakness, fatigue and numbness in my hands and arms. So, my doctor ordered a MRI and sent me to a neurologist.

Late one Sunday evening, September 16 I think it was, the doctor called me and said "I know what is wrong with you. You have Arnold Chiari Malformation and Syringomyelia" Ok, I had been expecting to go to the doctors office the next morning to find out that I had a herniated disc, and that I needed PT, and that if I lost weight, I would have less headaches. The same old shit I had heard most of my life. Well, after I picked my self off the floor it seemed, I was scrambling to find a piece of paper, and pen. The only thing I could find was a gas receipt. We had just gotten our computer the week before, and hooked up to the Internet. I had the doctor spell everything out, letter by letter. The words that I know so well now, were so foreign then.

I looked up Arnold Chiari Malformation and Syringomyelia on the Internet, and tried to not be afraid. I stuck to the descriptions of the diseases only provided by the "real" medical organizations, i.e. NINDS, National Institute for Neurological Disorders, etc. Those were scary enough without reading the unverified medical websites that proliferate the Internet even back then. I knew even then that when looking for information, one must be careful about the source. What I have, is a condition where the base of my brain has extended beyond the opening of my skull, and has put pressure on my brain stem and upper spinal cord. Over time, there has been so much pressure, that this tissue elongated, and wrapped itself over the brain stem, causing many neurological problems. And the constant pressure, and the extended tissue blocked the flow of cerebral spinal fluid in my brain, causing it to "back up" so to speak. That caused the horrible headache pain. At least some of them. And the pressure stressed my spinal cord, causing a cyst to form with in it, and a pocket of spinal fluid formed with in a cavity inside the spinal cord, causing damage.

I needed brain surgery soon, with in a few months. Ever the work aholic, and my love of my job, my first concern was would I miss my buying trip to Chicago? No, I could still go. Surgery was planned for the end of October. The buying trip had been already planned for the end of September, and those plans had not changed, despite 9/11/2001. Terrorism was not going to stop us from buying bridal gowns. That was quite an emotionally charged trip, meeting with reps who had lost friends in the WTC. Anyhoo...

The surgery was done Oct 24...the recovery is proceeding decently for the first few weeks, then my husband comes home Nov 1. He is being laid off. From his job of 16 years. No severance. Two weeks notice. They will not let him stay on until end of January so that I can have three months off to recover like I am supposed to. His job ends on our 15th wedding anniversary. We are blessed to be able to celebrate anyway, because one of my dear brides had given us a gift certificate to one of Lancaster County's finest gourmet restaurants.

I go back to work before I am completely healed, at least part time.
It doesn't go too well. The woman who took over for me loved what I did, and it was a bit like the movie "All About Eve". It was a very difficult situation for me for the next 6 months, feeling like there was nothing I could do right. And this was my dream job, the career I loved so much, worked so hard, gave so much of my life and time. And it was falling apart before my eyes, being manipulated away from me. And I just let it go. I had to. Paul had finally found another position five months after his layoff.
It paid more than his previous position. So, I resigned with a heavy heart.

Then, seven months later, the unthinkable happened. Paul was laid off again. We knew this time, that we would have to go out of Lancaster County for a job. He had exhausted all of the positions for his type of work. I was in the midst too, of seeking medical help from a new specialist, the best in the world for what I have. At the least, we had been provided with wonderful benefits from this last job. And maybe this is what this job had been for. The change in insurance that would allow us to go to The Chiari Institute on Long Island, NY, to see Dr Bolognese, a world famous surgeon for this disorder. And indeed, when I called, I was able to get a cancelled appointment, and was able to go the following week! A miracle, when the usual wait was 5 months for an appointment!

Dr Bolognese had a three step plan for helping my poor head. Replace my shunt that controls the fluid in the brain, something the Lancaster surgeon ignored, rebuild the back of my skull, that the Lancaster surgeon had not done correctly, and give it some support. And remove my old shunt that was in my lumbar spine.

A lot to consider, and a lot of hope. Paul was employed by a company in Minnesota, we found a house in St Cloud that we really liked, and he moved out and started his job. I had the shunt surgeries, and decided to wait on the brain revision, to see if the shunt revision would do the trick. Then moved to Minnesota.

What a year Minnesota was! We made new friends, settled in what seemed to us a foreign land. We were surrounded by very friendly people with accents that were quite different than our own. Sarah Palin talks with a Minnesotan accent. When we heard her speak, Paul and I looked at each other and remarked that we didn't know she was from Minnesota. It must be the cold weather and the snow that makes people sound like that. The job was awful, the people were great. Church was great. Lake Superior was our ocean. We could have made it our home if we had toobut when Paul was laid off...we were relieved. But again, it was with no severance. So...on the market the house went. We were blessed, it sold in three weeks. And Paul had a job line up here in Erie in less than 2 months. (Paul is in an industry that is losing a lot of its work to China. That is why there have been so many layoffs. He is a great engineer!)

I've had quite a few surgeries along the way. Mostly related to the stupid shunts in my head that fail, or have gotten infected, or problems with the tubing. Then in 2007, I had a new kind of surgery, one done on the spinal cord of my lumber spine, releasing a tissue that was pulling the cord too tight against the spinal column. This was causing a lot of neurological problems ahem, below the waist shall we say. This surgery allowed my brain stem to bounce back up over 3mm. May not seem much to you, but in the neuro world, that is quite a bit. I am still permanently disabled, unable to work full time from the effects of Chiari, Syringomyelia, Tethered Cord, and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. But it is not how I define who I am, which is why I held off until now to write about this part of my life. But before I could write about today, I had to write about this crap, so you would know about me. I am in chronic pain, so some days my moods are really lousy. Other days, I can fully embrace God's grace, and be thankful. I will warn you, I have my days of "why me?" So feel free to write back to me, and kick me in the ass. I need that some times.

Ok, enough of this.

About today, and going home. Home today was returning to Lancaster County. The first visit, was to see my friend Linda, who has a lovely shop that sells vintage and new jewelry and gifts. I had made, over the course of three weeks, about 120 pairs of earrings, and 6 necklaces for her. A few years ago, I could have accomplished all of that in one week. I am slowing down. I had a lot of pain to work through. But I am very pleased, that despite the pain, I kept at it, and did not give up on the project. Linda
was my first customer to consign to, after I stopped working at Classic Weddings. She was the first to step in, and give me a bit of moral boost. My jewelry is displayed on their own antique piece of furniture. Its like a spool cabinet placed on its side. Anything that Linda does is of its best taste, charming, and elegant. She is located at the Brickerville Shops. She has
been "Vintage Jewelry Design" for many years now, and has been a recognized vintage style jewelry designer.

Then, we went to see Elizabeth, my former boss, and her husband Robert, for dinner at Classic Weddings. Robert greeted me at the door like I was his daughter. It was like the years were rolled back. We walked in the door, the back door of course, up the back steps to the family room and sat down, and just started talking, like we had all seen each other a few weeks ago. It was so easy. We talked about old times. Funny moments with the various
critters on the farm escaping at the wrong times, and of course, Shannon. Her name was bound to come up, as Elizabeth was so fond of her. Shannon tragically died of pneumonia 5 years ago. Elizabeth had let her go that summer, because she felt she could not handle her job well, and be a mother too. She was suffering inside, and the job was not going well, mother hood was not going well. And I felt, too, that I could talk about Shannon without feeling pain inside of me, or anger. All I had to say to Elizabeth, was that I was glad I had knew I had forgiven Shannon long before she died. And I really had.

It took me a long time to return to Classic Weddings. I tried a few years ago, and I was miserable. I was not ready to return. This time, I looked around the shop, at all the dresses, the headpieces, the jewelry, I missed it, but I did not feel a painful yearning. Sure, if I were well enough, even if not 100%, I would love to be back in it, part time. But I would never go back to the schedule that I had. I worked way to much, and my marriage suffered way too much. I was able to look around and recall the accomplishments, the fun; what it all meant. And remember, too, what Elizabeth and I meant to each other.

You can go home again. You can go home if you can accept that there are going to be changes when you get there. Your parents may life a different lifestyle. Your friends may have moved on. Your old job is different now. YOU/I am not the same. That is the river of life. My home is now in Erie. And hopefully, when I return there later today (as it is now 1:35am when I complete this), I will be better at making it the home of the present, and I have put the home of the past to rest.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Why I Knit


I'm rather nuts about knitting. If anyone around me mentions that they are even thinking about knitting, Oh boy, I am all over them!

I'm what the Yarn Harlot would call the Evangelistic Knitter. I want to convert everybody to the craft. I want everybody to knit. The world would be a better place if they would just pick up the needles and knit. Ok, there are some people that you could not trust with sharp pointy objects. Those we would have to give crochet hooks too, or those knitting knobbies. But Knitting! Its pretty hard to stay angry when one is knitting. At least for very long!

I love the soothing texture of fine yarn. First thing I will admit. I confess. I am a yarn snob. There are a few yarns I will buy at A.C. Moore or Micheals. But there are a lot of yarns that I turn my nose up at too. Those stores do have some nice yarn at some decent prices. BUT...your full service yarn store (FSYS) or on line store (OLS) has amazing yarns at such better prices! And the quality!!!!!!! So why buy Lion Brand, Bernat, Patons, when there is Noro, Cascade and Elann for the same price???? Why, why, why????

Ok, see the obsession?

The textures, the fibers...there were not yarns like these even 15 years ago when I had stopped knitting. Then, COLOR. How can one be
depressed, angry or disgruntled when working with such wonderful colors? And the variety of colors? Not just solid colors. Or tweeds. Hand dyed. Self striping. No longer must we have to handle bobbins and multiple strands of wool to have mulitiple colors in our work, or patterned socks! The yarn does it for us!

And if you love books...there are plenty of those to keep a knitter happy, and to keep me happy. When I thought I would not be knitting anymore, I gave away all my books. All but one. Something told me to hang on to that one book. My beloved Readers Digest Guide to Needlework. And my Calc O Knit/Gauge O Knit. Now I have many more books than what I ever would have thought I would have have had before. I am a bookaholic.

So, I guess I knit so I can....be calm and happy. Play with color and wonderful fibers. Create beautiful cloth and garments. AND....its another excuse to buy more books.

Retired Time

Anyone with retired parents knows what this is.



When you visit your folks, it is so easy to slide into this schedule if you are not careful. Even your dog will adapt to it. Go to bed late if they do. Up late if they are late risers. Breakfast? Whenever. Usually at 10:30. Lunch?

Maybe 2:00 PM. Dinner has to be at 5:00, because they live in a community now. Before they moved here, dinner might be at a fashionable 8:00 PM, or even 9!

But then, they have the wonderful luxury of just taking life as it comes.No pressures. They are done with that now. Those days of deadlines, meetings, schedules, lists (except for groceries and what they need to remember) are all in the past.


And I realize, they are blessed. So, instead of being frustrated that I am waking up at 9:45, that my alarm clock is not working (Abbie, my toy poodle is usually so reliable to have me up by 8 AM on the dot), I should kick back, and mellow out and enjoy this preview of "retired time". I can get my work done in the evening, while watching TV. I don't have to cook dinner in the evening, or do the dishes, since there is a diningroom to go to this evening.


I've taken my "chill pill". I'm going to enjoy the last few days of my visit here with my parents, enjoying my slice of retired time while I am here. When I get back home, it will be full steam ahead to get ready for Christmas, and the pace will be frantic enough. I will have to go back to doing a lot more cooking. (Although I have been doing a lot of cooking here, to give my Dad a break). And clean up. Abbie will have to start waking me up again early.

I'll have to let her know.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Ok, here we go


OK, it figures, that the first post I write, I lose it.


I clicked on save, but not publish. And I had just written on howproud I was at 50, with my self taught computer skills. That will teach me!Pride goeth before a fall they say. Well, "they" are right! Lesson learn.Hit the damn publish button after spell check!!!!! Or after the save key!
Oh gosh, what did I say? I think I wrote about that it seems that someare interested in what others, particuarly artists think. Or those of usthat call ourselves artists. I guess we are supposed to be interesting people for some reason or another. I don't know. I think I lead a rather boring life. My mother in law is constantly asking my husband and I "Is there anything new?" Now she knows we are not buying anything, that there are not going to be babies, unless that would be of the 4 legged variety, she is just looking for new happennings. No nothing new.

Ok, what is new is that I decided to give blogging a go. I just go into the world of Facebook, thanks to my friend Michele. Which reminds me, I have not looked at my page for a few weeks. I forgot. I love computers,I just have not been a much of a computer community member. Except for medical support groups, and I dropped out of that life. I am trying to forget how sick I am. Another story.

I make jewelry. I am not a bench jeweler. In other words, I do not play with fire and have a saw. I work with pliers, wire cutters, wire, and any material that has a hole in it that can be wired or strung. Gemstones, Pearls, ribbons; so in other words, my jewelry is the artsy fartsy type.

Oh gosh, I hate when someone say, Oh, you're the crafty member of the family. (my sister paints). Actually, I am proud to say I am an artisan, and that I work with tools. My brother is a blues muscian (linguist and famous scholar), and I was so pleased when he picked up my Lindstrom pliers and was really impressed by them.

Selling jewelry and bridal wares supports my other obsession. Knitting.Gasp. My love of fine fibers. I had stopped knitting while I was making bridal gowns. I could not handle the sewing and knitting at the same time. So, I gave up the knitting. Then in 2003 when we lived in MN (another story), I met AVIS. A knitter extrodinare. With an amazing STASH of yarns. I did not know that modern yarns exhisted like this. When I needed my umpteenth surgery, she sent me a prayer shawl. That made me want to knit again. So, after 14 years, I dug out the knitting needles, and have not stopped knitting, or buying yarns.

Now, my stash of yarns is beginning to physically match my stash of beads.Of course, yarn takes up a lot more room. And in our present house, this studio is the smallest of all. So, we are in a constant flux of revising "Betsy's space". Paul is so good about it. What ever keeps me happy and comfortable to work. When I started buying yarn, I vowed, ha ha, that I would not buy for more than three projects at a time. I'm howling with laughter on the inside with this. This is after I just went on a mini shopping spree with http://www.discontinuedbrandnameyarn.com/ last week. Just enough to get free shipping. Just enough. After all, I finally got paid a big check from one of my customers. Its only fair that I invest in me, after all! uh huh. yeah right. Its almost Christmas, and here I am buying yarn. Uh huh.
I think the next post should be SABLE. Stash Accumulated Beyond Life Expectancy. Maybe. We will see.